A Backwoods Christmas Eve

My brother wrote this in an e-mail to my sis-in-law. I think he should have this published in the local paper. :)

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A Backwoods Christmas Eve by Kenny

Twas the night before Christmas, in old Pedricktown,
The streets were rolled up, and the shades were pulled down;
The shotguns were cleaned and all put away,
Ready to hunt, on some other day.
The children were sitting in front of the TV,
With the controls of an Xbox between thier knees;
Mamma had a headache, and had long gone to bed,
I was in the kitchen, with a beer, cheese and bread.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the table to see what was the matter;
Away to the door, I clumsily stumbled,
Tore open my toe, on that damned kitchen cupboard.
The moon through the trees, cast shadows on the lawn,
That made everything look kinda, sorta, like dawn;
When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a skunk, a racoon and a white tailed deer.
The first two vermin were into the trash,
And I knew in a moment, it'd be strewn in a flash;
More rapid than eagles, they tore through the cans,
And I cursed and shouted and called them some names.
You polcat! you bandit! you flea riddled pests!
Out of my yard, before I blow you to bits!
Get away from the porch, away from the wall;
Get the hell away, go away you all!
As dry leaves do scatter, when you kick them around,
The deer took to hoof, but the others stood thier ground;
So in to the closet I ran like hell,
My shotgun I grabbed, and a handfull of shells.
And then with a clang, I heard the lids fall,
Then scratching and clawing of each little paw;
As I loaded my gun, and was turning around,
Through the open back door they came with a bound.
Matted wet fur, from their heads to their feet,
And smells from the garbage they both did reek;
They ran to the den where the kids played their games,
Which resulted in screams and some very bad names.
Their eyes, so wild, their teeth sharp and scary,
And that was the kids...this wasn't so merry;
Then up the Christmas tree the racoon disapeared,
As we all stared down, that polecat's rear.
His bushy black tail was drawn up, like flag,
His warning was clear...get ready to gag;
Before we could flee to the kitchen, it came,
That terrible smell, and some more bad names.
We clawed and we pushed and fought for the door,
Just as the skunk let go with some more;
Outside we all flew, as quick as a we could,
Tripping over each other, this didn't look good.
When all of a sudden, I heard a loud blast,
Then came another; just like the last.
Out of the door, those critters did run,
With my wife right behind them, tottin' my gun;
They sprang past the trash, and into the field,
Not making a sound, not even a squeal.
But I heard my wife say, as she got in her car,
You people are cazy, i'm going to Ma's!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!